Unstructured brain goo explosion

21 06 2010

Lately I have been waging this epic battle with myself over sleep. I am tired – heroically so most nights – and yet for some inexplicable reason, I try to push through the tired, ignore the yawns and force my eyes  to stay open…all in some vain and ridiculous effort to keep awake. And I have done this every night for the past two weeks. I have no clue why, although I have to admit that I do like the quiet…the alone time I guess? When I was a child I used to stay awake like this all the time, especially in the summer. After everyone was asleep, I played this game where I would walk through the house trying to be as quiet as possible. There was something incredibly exhilarating to me about creeping around trying not to make any noise and wake my parents. And let me tell you, for being a partially deaf woman, my mother can hear a roach fart in China while she sleeps. So yeah, I had to be like a ninja. It got so that I knew exactly what parts of the floor creaked and would instinctively avoid those spots. I could open the fridge door to get myself a glass of sun tea without making the light come on. Oh yeah, I was good. Oddly enough, when I had reached the point where I was drinking iced tea, thinking it would help me stay awake, I suspect it had the opposite effect. I always crashed after having that. I guess there is something about the ADD brain that when you have too much of a stimulant, it can calm you so much that you get tired. Maybe this is what I need to do. Maybe I need a good cup of coffee around 8 or 9 at night to knock my ass out.

What’s genuinely fucked up is that since I have always suffered from bouts of insomnia, it eventually reached a point where I would eat something starchy late, late at night, or overeat just to knock myself out so I could sleep. This is a good part of the reason why my ass has it’s own zip code, I am sure. Thing is, I wasn’t doing this ridiculous eating to make myself sleep on purpose, no…no I would genuinely think I was hungry and the stuffing of my gullet would commence. Ugh. I make myself sick just thinking about it. I am really, really wishing I had been diagnosed years ago so maybe I could have avoided all those disgusting habits that I sunk into. Thankfully this kind of behavior has all but stopped. I still have my moments of late night eating, but nothing like the epicness I used to reach. Yeah, I am totally telling the internet that I used to binge eat. Soon all my nasty secrets will come out and I won’t have anywhere to hide.

When my doctor prescribed the Adderall, it was like a miracle to me. When I was taking it faithfully and the correct dosage, I slept really well and nothing seemed so overwhelming. I did get a bit OCD, but nothing too crazy I thought. But then I decided I didn’t need the full doses so I cut my dose in half. Then I would sometimes just forget to take it entirely, or, if I did remember, it was entirely too late for me to take it. Then Rabid Hyena the Younger had some mental health issues. Then the house was burglarized 4 days before christmas. And suddenly I felt like I couldn’t cope with shit. FINALLY, after we got back on our feet from the robbery and Spouse had healthcare insurance for him & I, I went to see my doc again and she upped the Adderall and boarded me on the Prozac Express. I don’t know if it’s the Prozac that is making me feel so numb lately or if it’s just my already fucked up psyche, but I am trying to crawl my way out of the pit of ‘dear fuck why the hell can’t I get shit done and why do I want to fuck off all day and not shower?’ I don’t think the happy pills are doing this, I think I am just trying to unfuck a brain that has been fucked for longer than I have been medicated, heh.

I used to have this terrible problem that started (I think) around the time I quit smoking for good. I like to tell people that I quit when I got pregnant with Rabid Hyena the Elder, and I am quick to say it wasn’t any virtuous action on my part in doing so…quitting alcohol and dope was…but I quit sucking ash because they made me violently ill, and the morning sickness was bad enough. Anyway, I started – at some point – to pick my lower lip. Just on the right side, but it would sometimes get so bad that my lip would bleed. I worried that if I didn’t stop I would have a permanent lip scar. I tried to make myself stop, but I would always go back to it unconsciously. Well, after the adderall was introduced, this got worse. I also became more of a picker than I used to be. Pick, pick, pick at my skin. That is also something I have always done, but the adderall made it worse. Of course I didn’t realize ANY of this until I started on the anti-depressant tit. Then it hit me one day last week and I said (mentally) “Fuck me in the ass with a stick…I haven’t picked my lip or any other parts of my skin in ages. GO ME!” Also? My nails look better than they have in years, so apparently I used to savage them as well. SO…fighting tiredness aside, the prozac is definitely having a positive effect.

What the fuck am I trying to say here? Why the hell have I taken myself on this scattered ramble? I don’t fucking know. But you know, it feels really good to let it spew. I now feel better than I have in weeks. Damn…I need to do this shit more often. I think I went back to my old ‘clam up and don’t say anything and live in the denial bush’ ways and I need to remember that I started this blog as a kind of therapy for myself and I need to open up far, FAR more. Now, however, I seem to have rode the crazy train into the ground and maybe it’s time to unwind a little more and then sleep.

I lied. I had actually stopped the dope about 6 months before I got pregnant with Rabid Hyena the Elder, but I was still drinking alcohol.

Okay, not exactly a lie just a misrememberation. YE CATS! I am really glad that I obsessively reread my posts. I had accidentally used Rabid Hyena the Elder’s real name here. YOIKS!

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