Sim Crack 3 – House of Ballyhoo, installment 1 (or how many times can I fit the word douche into one long post?)

12 07 2010

Dear internet. Please STFU so I can get my Sims 3 on. Unless, of course you are Spouse or Not Really My Sister (yes, I am introducing a new character to the ridiculous non-saga that is my life-blog. Although she is not new but she plays a very large and important part in my life and I felt she needed a descriptive monniker), then that is totally fine. They both understand me quite well.

Speaking of The Sims 3 and Not Really My Sister, she loaned me her base game and World Adventures crack pipe, um I mean disks this past Monday. It’s been a week and I already have 5 households of virtual people. I am not even fucking around here. I didn’t realize at first that I could shut off their aging or give them really long life spans…so my first creation got hitched and had a kid and then suddenly her husband was old. In fact, before he even came on the scene, she was dating a guy that died while they were on a date. Yeah, that was interesting. The Reaper showed up before the salad course. I am SO lying here, they hadn’t even gone into the restaurant and were actually just standing around outside talking when it happened…but she was totally freaked out about it. So freaked that it drove her into the arms of her man-maid, who she then married and spawned digital life with.

Let me stop a moment to say that I am well aware that I just ended a sentence with a preposition, however I am too lazy and slovenly to go back and rewrite the sentence to make myself look like less of a moron, so suffer with it. Also, I need another cup of decaf coffee…and it’s instant too so TAKE THAT, grammar-nazi coffee snobs!

Anyway, moving on. I then decided to replay that same Sim -her name is Bedbugsn Ballyhoo, btw and here is a lovely photo of her:

The random traits she rolled when I made her are: Neat, Artistic, Natural Cook, Party Animal and Neurotic. The first time I played her, I was still relearning the Sims ropes. It’s been years since I played and even then, I played the original Sims, so there’s quite a learning curve.

This time around I was determined to make her stay single and just work on her career and making money. Then she rolled a wish to hang out with a work buddy so I complied. It’s not like she is a loner or anything, and Sims get all sad when they are lonely. SO I had her call him up and ask him out. They started chitty-chatting and stuff. I made her flirt with him a bit but then walked away to get a cup of decaf. At this point I wasn’t thinking about pausing the game (omfg I do that now though). When I came back, the bitch had asked George (the work buddy) to be her roomate. Buh? I mean I guess they hit it off at work since they were already best friends, but ROOMATES? *sigh* So then I had to make the damn house bigger, which means I totally cheated them some cash. So yeah, she has a man in the house. Next thing I know, she is rolling another wish to get to know some OTHER work guy… a nasty bit of scuzz named Hal. I really did not like this guy and I do not know why. Maybe it was the silly douche-tail hairstyle he was sporting, or maybe it was that one of his traits she discovered was Flirty. I cannot explain it, but there it is. Well guess what she goes and does? She decided they need to be a couple and kept smacking face and woo hooing him, so I just went ahead and made them go steady (ha! how fucking hilariously old fashioned is that that Sims 3 uses such a term?) Within days she asked him to move in too! She is collecting men…I know it. So as it sits now, they are this weird household of three and they don’t always care which bed they end up in. I am rather fond of letting them dream while I snap photos. Here are a few:

Call me crazy, but I think it’s kinda skeevy to sleep with your roomate AND dream of each other while your girlfriend is painting in the same room, but what do I know? And yeah, Bedbugsn got a hairstyle change, heh.

As the night wore, on, the dreams got pretty damned funny. Well funny to me anyway. Let’s take a look, noting that Hal – the Boyfriend is on the left and George – The Roomate is on the right:

Just in case you cannot tell, George is dreaming of a fried chicken leg on a plate in that second one.

Once again, George dreams of fried chicken.

I don’t want to speculate that Hal is dreaming of fathering a child what with his lifetime wish to be a Heartbreaker –  have 10 different girlfriends – but any other alternative is not a place I am prepared to go without delousing spray, a hazmat suit and some chain mail boots.

That’s right, Chicken-George the love is gone.

Now I don’t call him Chicken-George because of the color of his skin either. No, that dude dreams of chicken A LOT. And Hal? Yeah, he’s full of the self-love. Proof:

And let me say that those were taken on separate nights.

Now I realize that Hal & George are friends and all and they live together, but not once in that night did either of them have a single thought about Bedbugsn, a fact that I think speaks…well forget volumes, it speaks entire fucking OCEANS.

Moving along with Club Threesome…as I am now privy to both Hal & George’s traits and lifetime wishes, I discover that George’s lifetime wish is to have a large family with no fewer than 5 kids. And wow does George ever work hard on this any chance he gets. He will spend hours on the house computer, chatting with people around town and asking them all if they are single. I get the “George has just discovered that so & so is partnered with blah de blah” message enough times that I think he’s outsourcing his love interest to other Simvilles. Clearly he’s going to have a rough time of achieving this goal as I not only set the game to give them extended lifespans, but also to never age. Tough luck Chicken-George…you will eventually find someone to try to make a baby with, but nothing’s happening buddy, not on my watch.

George and Hal are also complete muscleheads. They just LOOOOOVE working out. When Heartbreaker-Hal rolled a wish to increase his athleticism, I sent him to the gym with George. While George sweated himself into a truly disgusting green fog of funk, Hal happily swam and flirted to his heart’s content. One of his victims…excuse me…one of his ‘flirting choices’ was swimming with her hubby at the time. Yeah, Hal has zero shame. Before long, her hubby started to not feel so well and was wanting a doctor. Since he happens to be friends with George and George is a Surgeon (He’s a surgeon now. He had been a cop until he moved in with Bedbugsn and rolled a wish to join the medical profession. He climbed the ranks quickly.), he had thoughts of both things while he was feeling ill.

Before I knew it, some freaky-deaky, creeptastic music started playing and The Reaper appeared. Uh oh…looks like poor ill hubby of Hal’s flirting focus has suddenly and unexpectedly died. Whoopsy. He didn’t even age or anything, so I have no clue what took him out, but Hal was looking oddly false in his poolside mourning:

In fact, he is not even present when the ghost – who apparently needs to pee REALLY bad – popped up. Hal cried a few tears before heading home to eat some mac & cheese. Were it me, I’d never swim in that pool again. Ever.

Meanwhile, Bedbugsn the Boring is off home invading visiting some neighbors. At first she and one of them didn’t get along at all as Cherry – one of the many women living in that household – greeted her with thinly veiled hostility and criticism. All was not lost, however. Within minutes they were happily chatting away and became fast friends. Even after Cherry continually complained about being hungry and Bedbugsn tortured her with talk of Fried Chicken. What is it with House Ballyhoo and Fried Chicken?

Really I am not being fair in calling Bedbugsn boring. She’s just not as funny as Hal or George. But I find it so sad that 3/4ths of her wish rolls involve something Romantic with Hal and that she frequently dreams of him. All the while I really know what a giant bag of douche he really is. Poor girl.

Okay, so maybe he’s not ALL that douchey. He did dream of her a few times. But it was in early days and always right after they’d played blanket tag. Once he moved in, he showed his true colors. The man spends more time in the mirror than Paris Hilton.

Yes Hal…that was toxic waste. And now it’s all over the mirror. GOOD JOB! Bedbugsn and her neat-neurotic self with have a field day with that.

Thus ends this installment of the antics of the Ballyhoo Household. Tomorrow I shall introduce you all to Chateau  Descôteaux. Later, you shall meet McCheeseStain, Abysmal and the Baldurdashes. Wheeee! Aren’t you excited?

After proofreading this, I discovered that the person who was asking for George and also a doctor while in the pool was not the person who died. Huh. I could have sworn that was the name that popped up saying they felt ill. Regardless, we will all pretend that events unfolded as I recounted and keep Douchey McFuckstick aka Hal as a suspected poisoner.

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