Screw you Big Love!

12 07 2010

Do you ever have entire, imaginary conversations in your head? No? Just me I guess.

And before you start thinking I am far more insane than I let on, let me clarify. I do not hear the neighbor’s dog telling me to kill people in my head, so rest assured that I shant be going on a killing spree anytime soon. What I mean is that I often have entire situational conversations in my head for possible situations. For example, I was just thinking about what I would say to a Mormon who was attempting to convert me. I am not even sure that’s what they call it, but the thought occurred to me while I was making myself a cup of decaf and followed me into the toilet. The phrase “You know…Mormonism sounds SO GREAT except for the no caffeine and alcohol thing. Plus I am not so sure the ‘magic undies’ thing is a good look for me.” Immediately after this thought popped into my head I laughed at the ridiculousness of it. Yeah, as if the no caffeine and alcohol are the ONLY things stopping me from the life of a Latter Day Saint….I was totally serious about the underwear though. Then, true to form, my mind rambled to wondering if it’s just caffeine and alcohol they have issue with or all stimulants and depressants…or even all drugs in general. Because while I no longer drink alcohol – I try, believe me, I just don’t like the taste anymore…although all I have tried is beer…but I used to LOVE beer and now it tastes barfy to me. Oddly enough, so does mint and I used to be a complete skank for mints. Seriously. If mints suddenly became scarce, I would have been blowing people in back alleys for a pack of tic tacs. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I used to adore mints. And once again, I digress. What was I saying? Oh yes! Although I no longer drink alcohol and usually drink decaf coffee, my blood stream is a veritable soup of amphetamines and anti-depressants and no way would I give that shit up for religion. Hell I wouldn’t give up bacon for Buddhism (I know you don’t have to be vegetarian to be a Buddhist, but I think many of them strive for that). I like my denial of delights to come from myself and not any imposed will.

Long and rambling story-like topic short…I am back and I am going to try to stay. I think my lack of focus of late has been due to an overabundance of the adderall. I feel like it and the prozac have calmed me out too much. They slothed me back to where I was before. But I have found that if I just cut back on the amphetamines, I feel a bit more like my old self. Just not nearly as psychotic. It’s a fine line I tread and getting the right balance is apparently harder than I thought.

P.S. My deepest apologies to the actors and creators of the series ‘Big Love”…no slander intended to your awesome show that I was absolutely not addicted to about a year ago to the point that I was up until sometimes 5 am watching back to back episodes. Nope. Not me.

Now I am off to have lunch and pop my first adderall of the day. WEWT!

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