Murderous Gnomes and Lonely Loner Whores: A Chateau Descôteaux Comedy of Errors and Gross Overexploitation of Easily Attained Happiness Points

13 07 2010

I am teeth-clenchingly, butt searingly, flames on the side of my face furious with mock indignation at who, until this point, was my favorite Sim. Her name is Elini Descôteaux and I handpicked her traits specifically so she could be the Sim I used for world travel and adventure once I installed the World Adventures EP. Here she is the little whore…I’ll get to why this is apropos later:

and this is her after a really good joint and a trip to the salon…it pays to be an expert gardener, let me tell ya:

No, no joints involved, just some lucky camera snapping, heh.

Back to why she is a complete and utter faithless bitch. See, I gave her the following traits, hoping she wouldn’t be all whiny and “oh poor me I am so lonely without communication. I need to talk to someone! I am so depressed, wahhhh!” when I am all like ” STFU and go tend that garden, brew nectar and make me some money, biotch! And go raid that tomb so you can have a steel bladder and some new furniture!”. Trust me, a depressed Sim is a pathetic thing. She’s got Photographer’s Eye, she’s Lucky, a Loner, Adventurous and a Kleptomaniac – a trait I thought would be shit-tons of fun, but she keeps stealing the most worthless crap. Ga-giant hay bales and fire pits, ALWAYS with the fire pits! She did steal a pretty cool lantern from the Forbidden City right before she took a swim in one of it’s fountain-pool things, but mostly it’s garbage that she yoinks. I hand crafted her to make her my digital money-bot, my gateway to adventures, my tomb-raider! And what does she go and fucking do? She got LONELY. Seriously? W. T. F. “Attention silly sim-thing…you get uncomfortable in a room with more than 2 people. You are a LONER. You always enjoy the solitude.  What, were you pissed that I made you haul around 45 showers in a can and 30 of those disgusting brown food cubes at all times just so you could camp out while I made you catch fish and insects and collect gems and ore all over the wilderness, or sleep in tombs and graveyards with ease? Were you a tad bit off-put when I let you get fried in that crypt under the musuem in France…the same one where you ran out of shower in a can and I made you deliver the goods for your quest while you were still charred and stinky?

Is this why you rolled a wish to call some person I had never seen before? Some guy I guess you met in France named Yves Bernard. Is this the man that made you long for Simlian contact? The pixels that make your wee electronic heart pitter pat with joy? The fiend that turned you into a faithless whore?? *Deep Breath* I am getting ahead of myself. I don’t remember him at all, so I can only assume the meet-cute occurred when I had wandered off without pausing. This causes FAR too much havoc in my games I swear. Anyway, this is him:

He’s playing his guitar. Something he is always doing. That or reading. One of his traits is Bookworm. Now when I say he is always playing the guitar, I really mean it. He’s also got the Virtuoso trait, but I digress.

So yeah, she asked to get in contact with him and since she was already back home, feeling lonely and bitchy I thought well why not invite him to visit. I am sure he will say no…after all he’s all the way over in FRANCE and they are only acquaintances. Color me shocked when he said yes. He arrives the next day and I still don’t know where in the hell she has met him, but wow are they ever chatty, chatty, chatty. I had her ask if he was single…something I always do because while I didn’t want her married with children, I know the poor slave-girl has needs. Inviting him over to visit was my first mistake.

I need to pull the story off the track again for a very good reason. Elini already had a love interest. One that I didn’t arrange and once I made her ask if he was single (he wasn’t) I figured he was a safe friend. Yeah, not so much. He’s a complete tool and a horn dog, apparently. He goes by the name Billy Caspian and I detest him. Every time he comes over they end up arguing, then making out, then arguing some more. It’s annoying and really cuts into her gardening time. So he was always in the picture. And ALWAYS calling when she was abroad. He’s a pain in my ass.

Back to Yves. So I make her ask if he’s single…totally standard convo fare for her, really. I even make her ask the females. Well he wasn’t, but I figured the long distance would put a damper on things and just let them make with the talk-talk on their own. This was my second mistake. I have the game set to High Free Will too. I do this only because I played the original Sims and even with high free will they were a nightmare of slobbery and pissing themselves. Sims 3 has greatly improved on this, and High Free Will Sims rarely make nasty floor puddles or leave truckloads of reeking trash lying around while they complain about the stench. Well Sims with the slob trait will trash up a place, but none of mine have rolled that and if they did, I’d nix it right away. And once again I have veered off the path and into oncoming traffic….what was I saying? Oh right. Yves. Grrr.

So he comes over, they hit it off and start flirting and caressing and making me generally ill. I went ahead and had her ask him to stay over because it was an available option and I didn’t know he’d fly in from France just for the day…that’s so weird. This was my third mistake. I don’t remember if she rolled a wish to go steady or if I chose that option because it was offered. It was pretty late/early and I had been watching their sick show unfold like a Mexican Telenovela for quite some time. I don’t think it just happens. At any rate they became a couple. At this point I decided it was probably best if he just moved in with her and abandoned his home in France. So I had her ask him to move in. He naturally squealed with delight and accepted. Here’s where it gets a little odd. When the add to household screen popped up for Yves, there was also the option to add Elini’s best friend Jules Fournier, the French relics dealer. This made me ‘buh?’ but I didn’t add him. Previous experience has taught me that Sim threesomes are not my cup of chai. Within minutes of their shacking-up being made official, she is rolling a wish to propose. I thought, okay…FINE. This way she won’t be lonely…she will always have someone to chat with. And I will NEVER let them try for a baby no matter how often they roll the wish. But I figured the Make Woo Hoo with <name> wishes would be fine and a really easy, EASY way to make some lifetime happiness pointage. Where’s the harm, I thought. This was my third mistake…no fourth. All of this happened in the span of one Sims day too. ONE. DAY.

Oh, and they really like to make Woo Hoo, and they are both easier to get in the sack than a roofied sorority sister. They are both constantly rolling wishes for it. And on a couple of occasions they have made it on their own AGAIN after they have already rolled the wish and I have facilitated it for happiness points and they are just relaxing in bed. I didn’t even think that was possible. They just cannot keep their hands off each other. Oh they started rolling wishes to have a baby together right away, but I ignored all of them. Feh! No BABIES for you! Having kids in The Sims is a big pain in the ass, and it’s already enough of a chore to get Yve’s damn skills up as well as Elini’s. No I was content for them to be childless for their long, long, unaging lives. And then…IT happened.

I was making Elini upgrade the Nectar machine…see, here she is stomping grapes:

Why yes, that IS a butterfly tramp-stamp on her lower back. Little did I know how prophetic it was when I let her get it. So yes, she is upgrading the nectar machine since her handiness skill is really, really high and all of a sudden she changes into some sort of ugly, smocky dress that I know is not in her closet and I hear some weird music. Silly me, I thought she’d achieved some sort of handiness nirvana and it was a work apron-thing. Oh how I was sadly, sadly mistaken. Then, within seconds, they both roll wishes to have a specific gender of baby. Him for a boy, her for a girl. I thought maybe they were just more pipe dreams and I naturally ignored them. But then, they both rolled a desire to read a pregnancy book and my eyebrows shot up past my hairline. I furiously typed to Not Really My Sister “NOOOOOOOOO! how did she get pregnant???”  After we bantered back and forth a bit as to how this could happen from them merely Woo Hooing constantly, she said she had heard rumors that it could happen, but she had never had it happen with any of her Sims yet. I was just floored. And I know that no matter how damn tired I was that night, I NEVER picked that option. Why the hell would I? When they roll a wish to make with the Woo Hoo, that’s the option you have to choose to get the happiness points…and I am ALL about the happiness point rewards. Some of those seriously kick ass. Then I remembered the incense burner.

This evil thing I picked up in France. I also have the Egyptian and Chinese ones. I picked them all up after I discovered that they exude certain feelings when incense is burned in them:

This one exudes a feeling of love or some hokey shit like that, so I stuck it in the bedroom. This was my….hell I have lost count of my mistakes at this point. It looks so very innocuous in that shot doesn’t it? Yeah. But look at it from this angle and suddenly it all becomes diabolically and crystally clear:

I truly suspect this fucker (no pun intended. Well, maybe a little bit of pun intended) is the culprit.

By the way? That’s a now pregnant Elini in her fugly smock, fixing the broken shower. Once she got knocked up, EVERYTHING in the house decided to break. Naturally. After all, she is the only one with the highest handiness skill.  I should have made her get barefoot before she fixed the kitchen sink…

So there you have it. She’s fucking pregnant. And now they are about to have a little bundle of ageless, pain in the ass, squalling ‘joy’. Meh.

On a lighter note, I also stole a few of those special Magic Gnomes when she was at the museum on one of her France trips. I had no clue what they were, only that they amused me, I could name them and they were easy to grab and shove in her inventory. If it’s not nailed down, I WILL try to take it. They now have three of them on their home property…no…on their French vacation property. Two French ones that look like Napoleon and one Egyptian one. I forget their names and since they cannot travel back to France for a bit I cannot go see what I named them. Yes, I forgot already. I guess these magic gnomes like to wander around your property while your Sims sleep, and they will get into some pretty interesting poses when they do so.

This guy I locked in the nectar cellar, only to come back and see him cringing from what I can only assume was the nectar maker noise. The next night he had somehow escaped to the lawn.

He’s the one on the left. This photo seriously cracks me up. It looks like Elini is engaging in a rousing round of Gnome Bukkake…*headdesk*…that’s one for the Googlers.

This dude is clearly the egyptian magic gnome. I had made Elini kick him over in the lawn one night, then set him back up, only to find him doing this the next morning.

He really has it in for that gargoyle. And I am a bit worried for Elini. Only a bit. I wonder if miscarriage by Magic Gnome is an option…

Finally I leave you with a few parting shots.

Yeah, yeah. Yuk it up guitar-boy. Screw you and your digital super-sperm you smug, French bastard! From now on you are my little tomb-raiding bitch…and I might not let you extinguish yourself if you blunder into a fire trap…

Just look at you. No wonder the poor girl cannot stop wishing to shag you. You are forever serenading her with your mad, phat guitar skillz. Half the time when you are practically naked…

Your smarmy ass won’t even stop to get dressed or eat when you are clearly starving. But really I cannot fault you entirely. After all, your slut of a wife gardens like this:

And I am out. Tomorrow I introduce you to the Sim I created just for evil. Muhahahahahahaaha!

Well Damnit! She had the damn baby just now and after he was all home and snug, she rolled a wish to take a photo of him. Just as she was about to snap it, Yves picked up little Oops (Yes. I really did name him that) and I was able to snap this wonderful shot that now has a prominent place on the nursery/computer room wall.

And I have to admit, the little tosser is kind of cute. I will have to force age him with a birthday cake to see how he turns out when he’s older, heh.

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