Bitches & Hos and Hos & Bitches. Or A McSluttyWhore saga – Part 1

22 07 2010

Hold onto your chairs faithful readers if you care to ride this train. (hur hur hur I said TRAIN!) The trip might get a tad rough, and I have prepped myself with a very large mug of caffiene…it might be a LONG night.

This is the tale of a filthy slut, a heartbreaker of a Sim. Her name? Andee McSluttyWhore. Yeah, I know. I was trying to be all subtle and shit. Let’s take a look at her, shall we?

Andee has the following traits: Flirty, Commitment Issues, Dislikes Children, Charismatic and Virtuoso. Her favorites include Hot Dogs (yeah, SHOCKER there), Pop Music and the color Hot Pink. With a Lifetime Wish to hook up with and be the girlfriend of no fewer than 10 Sims, the bitch has work to do, and fast.

We come upon our tawdry maven of strump as she is devouring a quick breakfast of bread and jam. Yes, she doesn’t even bother to dress for meals. Next to her is a rotting half gallon of last night’s dinner, devoured in angry frustration after a wicked fisticuffs match with a less than charmed male she met downtown (had I known this would happen I would have been more prepared to take photos, heh). Andee isn’t much for the cooking unless it’s in the bedroom *wink wink*.

After a quick shower and mirror primp, our seductress is off to greet the fresh meat that just sauntered in the door. Grady Elfman, the maid. Just look at Andee’s dress…that woman is loaded for bear.

Nevermind that her house is a filthy pit, Andee just has to chatchat with Grady and his epic sideburns of doom.  She needs to show him how pouty her mouth is while she waxes on  and on about her love of music. Can you say Born to Blow? And I do not mean a wind instrument…

I have a slight thought that she might be barking up the wrong tree and that perhaps his proclivities lie elsewhere, but let’s see how the relationship progresses over the next few days.

Not content to leave Mr Elfman to his menial drudgery, Andee follows him to the kitchen/laundry area to hound him further. There were no options for asking if he is single, so I had to just let her flap her lips at him in a more casual way.  They droned for a brief time, not long enough for me to get a good shot, and then went about their business.

Yeah, nice face princess, but those are your reeking unmentionables he is currently laundering behind you. I have three letters for you…F. D. S.

Soon after Grady leaves, Andee decides to head to one of the local pools to see what she can fish out. One quick trip to the bathroom is in order before she leaves, however.

Hrmmmm. For someone with your habits and commitment issues, I am not so sure how wise it is to think of engagement rings there, tarty. Within a few shakes of a very wanton lamb’s tail, she’s raring to go.

Awww, but luck is not on our honey-haired hussy’s side. Upon arriving at the pool she discovers it deserted. Undaunted, she opts for a quick swim and working on her tan…yeah, it’s 7 pm Sim-Time. Not much sun out, but she’s not worried. “Like it’s better this way, you know? Like less sun and I don’t have to worry about wrinkles and stuff, you know?”

Swim and relaxation done, she returns home to rest her goods for tomorrow.

Ah, another day, another reason to set the make-up gun to ‘Whore’. But first, a song! And then a quick call to dish with a new girl-friend.

I am firmly convinced that Virtuoso Sims would never dress, eschew all bathing & eating to wither away playing the guitar. But something in the AI makes them stop before they pass out from either their own stench or starvation.

I have this sickness that compels me to give most of my female Sims tramp stamps. In this case, it’s a kind-of stylized arrow that  subtley says “Unload Here.”

While this one clearly states “Yes! You can do tequila shots out of my navel! By the way…do you have any condoms?” It’s total cat-nip for the horny young adult sim.

“Engaged? Hell no! Like, these loaves aren’t for sale to the highest bidder, my love is free!” Free as in free-clinic where she’ll be picking up a prescription for that scuzzy rash she will inevitably contract. Nothing says commitment-phobe like a scorching case of herpes.

“Like OMG! Don’t they foul themselves and you have to like, clean it up? Eww, no! Babies are SOOOO gross!” Clearly this was a discussion that let Jolene Montaque know exactly where Andee’s priorities lie, and she ain’t birthin’ no babies, no way, no how.

Because she rolled a wish for it, and Professions are not something I have dabbled in much in Sims 3, I decided to allow our bubbly bimbo to pursue a Stylist Career. After a predatory cornering and quick chat with the hapless maid, Grady, then a sensible salad lunch, off she goes, skirt twitching, and boots clicking.

Here we see Grady instructing Andee on always maintaining proper dental hygiene after performing a fellatio-train on the local sports team. Umm, not that he knows anything about that…he’s just HEARD that cock-breath can be a real conversation spoiler. (Okay I have to admit that after typing this I almost woke the entire house up with my hooting laughs.)

Grady had also lectured her on improving her Salad Tossing skills, although she isn’t sure why that would pertain to rampant whoring but whatever. Wait a minute…is that EGGPLANT? For a raw salad?!? Bish, please. Someone needs to buy a cookbook.

Color me shocked! She is actually going to take care of her own dirty dishes. She might be a tramp, but she’s a clean one…for now.

Now this is more what I expect. Pssst, Andee…see that thing behind you? That’s a TOILET. Yeah. Usually a pretty unmistakable indicator that one is not in the kitchen, but you go right ahead, I won’t tell anyone….just the entire internet. (I know that shot is weird, but since that bathroom is really small – under a staircase small – I had to go to walls down to snap the shot instead of my usual cut-away walls mode.)

Before embarking on her wild and frolic filled career choice, Andee rolls a wish to get a tattoo. I have had this happen often with Sims I have created, even if they already HAVE them. I think the AI is completely oblivious to the pre-done tattoos. Enter Rosalie Bernal, Tattoo Artist and her Stylist friend, Cornelia Goth.

“Like hey, ladies! Did you know I am like a musician and stuff? Pretty hawt, no?” Just in case you were wondering, Andee is not a gender specific bimbo. No no. All are welcome to play in her garden of delights, and since she is so very undown on the whole baby thing, women are the perfect targets and increase her chances of attaining that lifetime wish by 50%.

Uh oh. What’s wrong Rosalie? Did you detect a whiff of Andee’s child-hate? Wow, you are not digging on that smell, are you?

But she is willing to give the benefit of the doubt to such a hot-dish like Andee. Until…

That’s right, Andee opened her mouth and now, the ship has not only sailed, but collided with a stray torpedo and sunk like a stone. “If you aren’t family oriented, then you shall have none of my bodacious tatas!” Not to worry, our hapless harlot knows there are so many more fish to fry. She can cast her reel elsewhere…Cornelia Goth, for instance.

“Oh hai! Like, do you have this thing about babies? Like do you like them and stuff? Because if you do, that’s totally a deal breaker for me, okay?”

<insert long, heavy, drawn out sigh for the ages here> “I simply ABHOR flirting, and I do NOT do perky. Ever.”

“Like, OMG! What planet are you from? Freakopia?” Ah yes, Andee McSluttyWhore, burning a swath of bridges across the landscape of her new town. I’d be a bit nicer if I were you, cherry tartlet. This woman might be your future boss.

Like a parakeet distracted by the shiny things in it’s cage, Andee loses sight of her inking goal and embarks on an epic preenfest that isn’t limited to just one mirror.

“Like, OMG! Is that a *gasp* zit??!”

“Mmmmhmmm, that’s right. I am one SEXY BISH! What the hell is wrong with the people in this town? Like I would totally Woo Hoo me!”

Tattoo completely forgotten in a gooey haze of self-love, Andee heads for home only to spy a potential (but clearly larcenous thinking) partner on her way out.

“Like hai! So do you dig vacations and stuff?”

“Oh, hullo. I am starving, would you take me home and feed me? Pretty please with unicorns and rainbows on top?”

Being a Childish Sim, Madison Van Horten is not looking for an Adopted BabyMama, but rather a MAMA. We all know this news goes over like a lead balloon with our tasty trollop and she flees for home as fast as her WooHoo Me boots and vespa can take her.

I particularly like the look of sheer, unadulterated terror on her face here. “OMFG! This town is full of FREAKS! Like what does a good, decent jezebel need to do to get a date around here?” Cheer up, little vixen, there’s always Grady Elfman. Wear him down enough and he just might decide to give up sausage for fish.

And on that note, I am done for the night. I leave you with a final shot of dear Andee McSluttyWhore getting some much needed beauty rest. After all, Primpin’ Ain’t Easy.

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One response

22 07 2010
GL

I bet she tosses salad like a lifer.

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