I am a complete and utter moron

9 08 2010

I made a few phone calls today to discuss my decision to homeschool Rabid Hyena the Younger. This is a decision I do not come to lightly and it’s one that I have considered at great length. As the new school year approaches, he is becoming increasingly more agitated and anxious at the prospect of heading back to school. Let me just say that he has some behavioral/mental/emotional issues going on and is being treated for general anxiety and a mood disorder at the current time. Last school year, based on things that he said when in an agitated state, the school principal has called the police three times, citing that he has a legal obligation to call them if a student says they want to harm themselves or others. Let me also say that this is not new behavior with Rabid Hyena the Younger, and it’s something he will say when he is under what he feels to be extreme anxiety, pressure, sadness or duress. I do not take these things he says lightly and in fact Spouse & I put him into an inpatient psych treatment center this past fall for just such a thing. He had an absolutely horrible experience in there that seriously traumatised him and I am loathe to do a repeat performance. And honestly, he has always over-reacted in such a way…his whole life…but I do not feel that he is a danger to himself or others, but I do feel that he needs some serious help. After talking with the school, the therapist he was seeing also thinks that he needs some serious help. Unfortunately, the kind of help he needs requires a psychiatrist to get him into a treatment facility, and this is something we haven’t really had this summer. The person he had been seeing was moved from the clinic to a hospital and her job was taken over by a nurse practititioner, who prescribed the first mood-disorder drug for him. She then quit suddenly, and I was given an appointment for a later date with a new doctor. It was during this time that the therapist thought that he really might need inpatient treatment. It was also during this time that I was driving down every two weeks to help with my mom. The first appt with new doc was cancelled by the clinic and rescheduled. While Rabid Hyena the Younger and I were on our way to the rescheduled appt, Spouse called me and informed me that the doctor had an emergency and they needed to reschedule again. It was too late for me to call that day so I waited and called the next day to reschedule yet again. I had to leave a voice message. Two days later I got a call and they had rescheduled with a different psychiatrist. Now, I was actually able to see this doctor, but the appt wasn’t until the beginning of August. When I discussed with this new physician what was going on, he changed the medication, citing that the current med would do nothing to help the anxiety and the mood issues, and he thought inpatient treatment was too extreme and suggested I tell the school to leave me alone about it and not push it. I also found out that he was only there helping for the day and that if I wanted some doctor stability, I would not find it at that clinic. I then spoke to him about the possibility of us coming to him then, but it turned out that Rabid Hyena the Younger’s insurance would not cover his services. So I opted to make a new appt with the regular and only doc at the clinic…the same one who had rescheduled on me twice, but he was the only option. I couldn’t get one until Sept. 2nd. At 8:30 pm. Did I mention that not only is this the only psychiatrist that this clinic has, but he is only available on Tuesday & Thursday evenings. FUN!

So, like I said, as the start of this school year approaches, Rabid Hyena the Younger has been extremely agitated about heading back to school, and I cannot say I blame him. I know it’s not a good fit for him, however, I have never tried to tell him that nor have I ever tried to make it anything but a positive thing. But his experiences have made it completely negative for him, and it’s not the special ed staff’s fault at all. No, they try their hardest and they do such a wonderful job…I have been in awe of them. But they have to work within the parameters of the public school system and this is where I think the problem lies. I just do not think he is suited for that, and so I have decided to home school him myself. It’s not going to be easy, and I feel I am bound for failure, but in his own interest, I am going to make this a win for him. It may not be forever, but I do want to be able to get him into a different psychiatric system…one that is far more dependable and that provides more support than either of the two we have tried in the past, and I want him to feel comfortable and safe in the environment where he is being schooled. Right now, that is home.

So anyway, I called his Special Ed resource teacher and left her a message, asking her to call me. I then called my parents to chat with them, but got no answer. Unbeknownst to me, I must have hit the phone screen and called the resource teacher again by accident. The phone was going on that call for 4 minutes. In those 4 minutes I have no clue what I said or did and am now completely scared shitless that I crazytalked to myself and left some sort of vocal message that might hurt the formal conversation I need to have with the school about withdrawing Rabid the Younger. I am pretty sure it’s all fine, but being who I am, I am of course freaking out that I DID say something ridiculous. Now I have to wait until tomorrow when she hears her messages and calls me to tell me that I am a freak or whatever. I mean I am already questioning my ability to homeschool and knowing that it is going to be the most difficult job I have ever done in my life, so that this occurred is not making me feel any more competent…if anything I feel like a complete and utter fool. I just can’t let it show to the kids lest my freaking out make them freaked out. It’s all on the inside…

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