I Like Big Beets and I Cannot Lie

2 01 2015

Typically I like keeping any food posts I make to the confines of my dusty old recipe blog, however, since this is not exactly a recipe and I am positive I will be yapping about more than food in this post, I feel comfortable not categorizing it as a ‘food post’.

Beets. I love them. I know, I KNOW…9 out of 10 people surveyed would say they are just ‘too earthy’, ‘not to my taste’, ‘not my thing’, or ‘fucking gross’…I am in that 10% that finds them really quite tasty. Perhaps my taste buds are simply more refined, or maybe broken entirely, regardless, I love them and I am not ashamed to admit this.

So…lunch time rolled around and I found myself peeling, dicing and boiling some golden beets. I think I started the process around 12:45ish pm…they are still boiling at 1:50 pm. Seriously, it’s like they refuse to get soft so I can mash them. I don’t even know how long it is supposed to take as I have never made mashed beets previously…usually I roast or eat them pickled. Now, here I sit, belting out some truly horrible renditions of Journey’s Greatest Hits while Rabid Hyena the Younger asks me politely to shut the fuck up, and blogging about my beet boiling burdens. There might be some chair dancing going on as well. And coffee…lots of forbidden coffee. Soon this epic beet boiling session will pass into ‘dinner making’ time and I will have to set aside my efforts to slice mushrooms and dice mirepoix for mushroom-barley soup.

After a brief interlude where I sang Don’t Stop Believin’ at full volume while wearing headphones and watching my 13 year old Rabid Hyena pantomime angry gestures at me, I decided to google just how long it actually takes to boil beets. Wow. I think my golden beets are defective. These should have boiled to mush ages hence. WTF. I am beginning to suspect that these are not really beets but some kind of alien life forms from some unboilable vegetable planet…or maybe I have just been watching too much Doctor Who lately. I am really starting to think I won’t ever get my lunch today.

Edited to add: I am now silently singing Faithfully and gesturing at Rabid Hyena the Younger while he plays on the Wii U…not even gesturing really so much as full on cheesy emoting. He is scowling. Worst. Mom. Ever.

Edited again to add: I may have just given up on the boiling, drained the beets, chopped them up some (since they refuse to really mash), added a little Newman’s Own italian dressing and a shake or two of parmesan cheese and called it a day. Fuck it, I am hungry.

Edited again: Dear fuck these beets are so salty that I think I will vomit. Maybe this was the problem all along? Maybe I added far too much salt to the boiling water. Then I added italian dressing and parmesan cheese to something cooked in what was basically sea water…HOOOOORK. Nice to know I can spend so much time creating something so inedible. YAY ME!

Edited one final time: Am now eating a pear…perhaps I should have just done this all along.




2 responses

2 01 2015
I.M. Pangs

I already sauteed my shrooms, onions and spinach; ate it over brown rice; put away leftovers and cleaned up.

2 01 2015

Of course you did, because only I have the ‘food that will never cook’. *sigh*

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